


inermis

by ButterflyGhost



Series: due South Wizard!Verse [32]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, due South
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 04:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyGhost/pseuds/ButterflyGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fraser finds himself with empty hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	inermis

She'd gone, again, and I knew she'd be a while. She'd said as much. I knew she would want to familiarise herself with her new wand, see how much of it was different, how much remained the same. I let her borrow mine, again, for the outward journey. And I felt, flat. I knew that I shouldn't allow her, of all people, such access to myself, but I couldn't seem to help it. Because, when I thought of her, it didn't feel like it mattered, whether I had my wand or not. It didn't seem like anything mattered any more.

I was sick of it, the apartment, myself. The dejected sprawl of Dief, lying by the fire escape, one hopeless eye open, gazing in my general direction for something... affection. And suddenly I felt such a wave of sorrow for my faithful companion. I had become Victoria's dog, somehow. I knew how Dief felt, wretchedly waiting for a sign.

Damn it. We were going out.

“Dief,” I said, and he wagged his tail, slowly, as though not sure he had permission. I stood, and it was an effort, but I found I could do it. I was unshod, but I toed my feet into shoes, and patted my thigh. “Dief,” I said, “let's go for a walk.”

And he bounded up, all over me, with such contagious excitement that I actually caught some of it. He'd missed this. I'd missed this. He was standing up on his hind legs, whining, and I put my hands on either side of his big doggy head, and stroked, dipped my head and allowed him to lick me. Good Lord, I was smiling. I knew I was smiling, because my face hurt. I wondered how long it had been.

It was cold. I didn't realise at first that I'd come out quite unprepared for the weather. T-shirt and jeans. And, now that I thought of it, no socks. I would have gone back for a jacket at least, but Dief was feisty. It would have disappointed him to go back too soon, and I felt that I needed this, somehow. That the cold was waking me up, the fresh air... as fresh as Chicago ever got. We walked in the park. A very simple pleasure, but it felt like a little miracle. Birds. I could hear the birds.

When he aparated behind me, it made me jump. Vecchio. 

“Hey, Fraser,” he said, “you feeling better?”

“A little,” I replied, and it was true. I had been thinking of Ray Kowalski, actually, a fragment of memory tickling in my brain, as it had been for the last two days. How I had slept holding his hand. At the time it felt quite real, but when I awoke he wasn't there. I still wasn't sure if I'd dreamt it, and it wasn't the kind of thing I could ask him, even though he did visit. Brief little flybys. 'Hey, how you doing, did you eat anything?' That kind of thing. Nothing intimate but... there was still the memory of his hand.

Vecchio looked bone tired. He stared at me, wary, puzzled. “Fraser,” he asked, tentatively, “where's your wand?”

That made me jump. For a full moment I couldn't think of the answer, then I remembered that, of course, she had it. I couldn't believe I was outside without it. What was I thinking? 

He spotted my confusion, and concern clouded his green eyes. I looked away. I felt as though he had caught me streaking. Naked. I hated feeling naked, and since Victoria's release I'd been feeling it more and more often.

“I... I left it,” I replied, honestly as far as it went. 

“What the hell for?”

“I...” good Lord, I didn't know where to look. “I... forgot it.”

I could see him looking at my arms, trying to look casual about it, checking for the dark mark, no doubt. I realised again how naked I felt. I was all over bruises and scratches. From Vecchio's point of view, any one of them could have been the mark.

I remembered kissing her mark, and flushed. Suddenly I was angry.

“If you're looking for the mark, why don't you say?” I held my arms out. Fortunately there weren't others in the park on such a cold day to witness this bizarre display. “Go on. Look.”

For a moment it seemed as though he wanted to be polite, then he shrugged. I could see him fingering the wand in his sleeve, and again anger boiled up in me, as though he was the problem. I showed him my arms, turned them for him to get a closer look. He had the decency to look embarrassed about it, and the professionalism to look properly. 

“Okay, sorry Fraser,” he said when he was finished. “Had to be done.”

“Why? Because I'm falling to pieces?”

“Because the whole damned world's falling to pieces.”

That gave me pause. The whole damned world... and I'd been hunkered in my apartment, mooning over Victoria.

Damn, what was wrong with me?

“And because you went out without your wand. Not clever Fraser. You need to go back home.”

“Why? Is it any safer in my apartment?”

He looked at me funny. It was because of my manners, no doubt, or lack thereof. No wonder he had felt compelled to check for the mark. I simply didn't sound like myself, even to myself. “Just get your wand,” he told me, “keep it safe.”

I nodded, looked at Dief, peeing mightily up against a tree. A smile twitched in the corner of my mouth at the sight of him relieving himself with such gusto. Then I registered a flinch on Vecchio's face, and realised just how rare my smile must have become, that Vecchio was shocked by it. He was trying to pretend that we'd been having a normal conversation, but obviously it was utterly abnormal. I blinked, looked down at my hands. Empty. Nothing to defend myself with.

“The Inuit have magical methods which don't rely on tools,” I informed him. “They believe that the use of tools strips the wizard, or shaman, of his strength. That magic should come from within, not be transferred outward into objects...”

And then he was smiling too, an attempt at casual. It nearly worked, it nearly looked natural. “Now I know you're getting better, you're telling Inuit tales.” He blew out a little breath. I could see him bracing himself for the question. “Fraser... under the circumstances...”

“Yes?” I felt myself stiffen, my empty hands clenching at my side.

“I have to ask...”

I glared at him. “Spit it out.”

“We need to know you're safe. I need to read your mind.”

“Legilimens.” I dropped the word between us, like a gauntlet. Of course he had to ask, and of course I should have said yes, but...

If he read my mind he'd see everything. Every dark and unclean thing I'd done, forcing her under the cosh of the Dementors... and every dark and unclean thing she'd done to me since. Every filthy thing I let her. I felt my adam's apple jerking in my throat. I was trying, really trying to force myself to do the right thing, to say yes... 

“No.” 

“That's your right, of course.” He seemed to sag for a moment, stagger. If I wasn't so angry I'd have stepped forward to catch him. 

“I know it's my right.”

“Still. Better get your wand.”

“Understood.”

I turned, calling Dief, who reluctantly followed me. I felt Vecchio's exhausted green gaze on my back for quite some time as we walked away.


End file.
